Long-distance caregiving: helping from another state

Distance does not stop love, but it does change how you show it. When a parent or relative in another state starts to need help getting around, you may feel torn between two homes, two schedules and two sets of responsibilities. You may also feel guilty that you cannot be there more.

Those feelings are common. The National Institute on Aging (NIA) notes that caregivers who live far away may feel guilty about not being closer, not doing enough, or not having enough time with the person. The encouraging truth is that there is a great deal you can do from a distance.

What you can do from afar

NIA lists tasks that long-distance caregivers may be able to help with, including:

• Assisting with finances, insurance claims or paying bills.
• Arranging in-home care by hiring formal caregivers such as home health aides.
• Ordering medical equipment, medicines and other supplies the person needs.
• Serving as an information coordinator: researching health conditions and medicines and keeping track of changing needs.
• Helping with advance care planning, and finding, organizing and updating important paperwork.
• Researching long-term care options.

You will probably coordinate these tasks with family, friends or other caregivers who live nearby.

Staying connected

When you cannot drop by, you need other ways to know how things are going. NIA's suggestions include:

• Keeping a list of important contacts in a shared online document and updating it regularly.
• Setting up a shared online calendar to coordinate with other caregivers.
• With permission, attending the person's telehealth visits.
• Helping the person learn their phone's features, such as texting and video chats.

NIA also suggests that, with the person's permission, you could contact people who see them regularly, such as neighbors, friends, doctors or local relatives, and ask them to let you know about any concerns.

If you will be speaking with doctors on your loved one's behalf, NIA notes that by law you will need written permission to receive medical information unless they are with you and able to consent. Get that paperwork in place early.

Choosing equipment from a distance

Ordering mobility equipment for someone in another state is very doable with a little preparation.

1. Ask what they need. Start with the hard parts of their day, in their own words.
2. Get measurements. Ask a nearby helper, or walk your parent through it on a video chat: doorway widths, the height of the bed and favorite chair, the bathroom layout, the number of steps at the entry.
3. Get photos. Pictures of the bathroom, the entry, the stairs and the car trunk help you picture what will fit.
4. Involve their doctor or therapist. If they have a therapist, ask which features matter.
5. Choose together. Share links and talk through options. Let them decide what feels right.
6. Plan delivery. Make sure someone can receive the package and help set it up.

Our fit assessment is a good tool to work through together on a video chat. Faith Mobility ships to the lower 48 states and DC; see shipping by state. For installed equipment such as stairlifts or platform lifts, we work with a team of credentialed local specialists to guarantee timely, safe, and optimal delivery and installation.

Making visits count

NIA suggests talking with the person ahead of a visit to find out what they would like to do, checking with the primary caregiver about what they need, and deciding on your top priorities, which may mean saving some tasks for a future visit. A visit is a good time to walk the house with fresh eyes and notice safety concerns: loose rugs, dim stairways, a bathroom without grab bars.

Do not let the to-do list crowd out the visit itself. NIA encourages making time for activities unrelated to caregiving, such as watching a movie, playing a game, enjoying music or taking a drive.

Supporting the person who is there

Often one person carries most of the daily load; NIA notes it tends to be a spouse or the child or sibling who lives closest. NIA suggests ways to support them from afar: ask what would be most helpful, stay in regular contact (just listening can mean a lot), travel to stay with the older person so the primary caregiver can have time off, and arrange regular respite care.

Finding help in their community

The Eldercare Locator, a public service of the Administration for Community Living, connects families with services for older adults. You can search by your loved one's location, not your own.

Be kind to yourself

You cannot do everything from far away, and you are not expected to. Do what you can, do it with love, and let the rest be shared.

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Not sure what fits? Try the free fit assessment.

Sources

• National Institute on Aging: Taking care of yourself, tips for caregivers
• National Institute on Aging: What is long-distance caregiving?
• National Institute on Aging: Does an older adult in your life need help?
• National Institute on Aging: Getting started with caregiving
• Administration for Community Living: Eldercare Locator